Joke Thread

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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Mountaineer Buc » Tue Jul 18, 2017 10:18 pm

Kids got a hustle going.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby PrimeMinister » Wed Jul 19, 2017 7:58 am

That was pretty damn good good.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Mountaineer Buc » Wed Dec 27, 2017 9:05 am

Oldie, but a goodie.

A man and a woman just finished having amazing sex. The man is exhausted and he leans over to pick up the phone. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Calling room service, I need a drink" "My last lover was Tiger Woods and he would never have done that, he would have made love to me again" she said So the guy turns over and makes love to her again, after finishing he picks up the phone and she says "Tiger would not do that he would make love to me again" So one more time he makes love to her, after finishing for the third time he sits on the side of the bed and picks up the phone. Are you calling room service because Tiger wouldn't have. No I am calling Tiger Woods, I want to know what the par for this hole is"
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Kress » Wed Dec 27, 2017 9:27 am

  

Voodoo ****

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo ****.'" "So what's up with this voodoo ****?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo ****, the door." The voodoo **** rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo ****, get back in your box!" The voodoo **** stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo ****, my *****." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo ****. She got it out, and said "Voodoo ****, my *****!" The voodoo **** shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo **** was stuck in her *****, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo ****, my ass.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Sammich » Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:32 pm

A bear and a rabbit are both out in the woods taking a dump. The Bears asks the rabbit if he has a problem with **** sticking to his fur. The rabbit says he doesn't so the bear snatches him up and uses him to wipe his ass.

How can you tell if an ant is male or female? Drop it in water. If it sinks it's a girl, if it floats its buoyant.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Buc2 » Thu Jan 04, 2018 11:15 am

Yeah. No. I ain't clicking on that link.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Heidguy » Thu Jan 04, 2018 8:33 pm

Buc2 wrote:Yeah. No. I ain't clicking on that link.


But that's the joke, go ahead it's cool.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby mdb1958 » Thu Jan 04, 2018 8:37 pm

Southern Ingenuity

One morning 3 South Georgia good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket
line at the Albany train station heading to Athens for a big football
game.

The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners
bought just one ticket among them.

"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the
Yankees.

"Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.

When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3
Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets.

He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door
opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The
Conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed,
so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and
save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train station,
they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their
astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed
Yankees.

"Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a
bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom
across from it.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their
bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the
door and said "ticket please".

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won
the war.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby PrimeMinister » Thu Jan 04, 2018 9:29 pm

Ha! That was good.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Mountaineer Buc » Thu Jan 11, 2018 8:42 am

This one's for Alpha


I was at the bar the other night and asked the bartender where I could get a good piece of ass. He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Swashy » Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:35 am

Best ***damn joke I've seen in a while. It's really long so read it on your own time

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CGCdqphUMAAAidy.png
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Super K » Thu Jan 11, 2018 10:28 am

You sir are a motherfucker...
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby PrimeMinister » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:46 am

Sonofabitch
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Zarniwoop » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:51 am

Swashy wrote:Best ***damn joke I've seen in a while. It's really long so read it on your own time

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CGCdqphUMAAAidy.png


Wait, I don’t understand, why did the woman say that?
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Crocaneers » Thu Jan 11, 2018 12:56 pm

Z

Don't ruin it
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Sammich » Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:02 pm

What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.

What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip.

What's hard, white, and 12 inches long? Nothing.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Super K » Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:44 pm

Well, you can tell what Sammich was doing all day..
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Phantom Phenom » Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:47 pm

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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Sammich » Fri Jan 12, 2018 8:05 pm

Super K wrote:Well, you can tell what Sammich was doing all day..


Big forearms and soft skin are a dead giveaway.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Buc2 » Thu Jan 25, 2018 3:45 pm

You can't spell advertisements without putting the semen between the tits.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Super K » Thu Jan 25, 2018 6:51 pm

Buc2 wrote:You can't spell advertisements without putting the semen between the tits.


Ha!
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Sammich » Thu Jan 25, 2018 6:56 pm

Saw/heard this pickup line on a show and felt it deserved repeating-

I heard you were looking for stud. I got the STD, all I need is U.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Rocker » Fri Jan 26, 2018 12:19 am

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a (wait for it ...)
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Rocker » Fri Jan 26, 2018 12:20 am

Super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby PrimeMinister » Fri Jan 26, 2018 1:47 am

Against my will I chuckled.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Buc2 » Fri Jan 26, 2018 10:53 am

Rocker wrote:Super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis

:roll: :lol:

Did both.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Mountaineer Buc » Fri Jan 26, 2018 11:12 am

Rocker wrote:Super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis

Get out.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Rocker » Fri Jan 26, 2018 12:26 pm

Y’all love me.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Mountaineer Buc » Mon Feb 12, 2018 8:45 am

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. “There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
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