Joke Thread

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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Kress » Fri Feb 26, 2016 11:41 pm

NYBF wrote:
Babeinbucland wrote:Amusing true or not

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.


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Pluck ewe, NYBF. Pluck ewe.

Or is that a sheep reference? Now I'm confused.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby EastBayBucsFan » Sat Feb 27, 2016 8:44 am

A blond gets pulled over by the police


The cop walks up to her window and unzips his pants



She says "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby NYBF » Sat Feb 27, 2016 1:54 pm

Kress wrote:
NYBF wrote:
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Pluck ewe, NYBF. Pluck ewe.

Or is that a sheep reference? Now I'm confused.


Careful with the sheep references, Never know who might come back.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Zarniwoop » Wed Mar 02, 2016 9:25 pm

An atheist, a vegan and a cross-fitter walk into a bar...


I only know this because within 2 minutes they have told everyone
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby EastBayBucsFan » Thu Mar 03, 2016 11:59 am

I just hired an all lesbian construction crew, it's all tongue and groove, no studs.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Wenchy » Thu Mar 03, 2016 1:00 pm

The state of the Republican party.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Babeinbucland » Fri Mar 04, 2016 9:20 pm

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” and calls her father immediately. “You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own airfares.”
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Pewterslimsme » Sat Mar 05, 2016 9:19 am

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

AmiriteKress?
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby bucfanclw » Sun Mar 06, 2016 8:12 am

Notice how the engineer doesn't even question upper management's last-second decision to send him to hell? You get used to it...
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Kress » Sun Mar 06, 2016 9:48 am

Fuckers. All of you.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby NYBF » Sun Mar 06, 2016 7:40 pm

How does blueberry beer taste when it's warm?
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Kress » Mon Mar 07, 2016 9:35 am

NYBF wrote:How does blueberry beer taste when it's warm?


Like something I scooped off of poop mountain.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Wenchy » Mon Mar 07, 2016 9:50 am

Kress wrote:
NYBF wrote:How does blueberry beer taste when it's warm?


Like something I scooped off of poop mountain.


Is that on Injun's property?
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby doooshnzl » Mon Apr 04, 2016 9:35 am

Have you heard about the man with five penises?
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Noles1724 » Mon Apr 04, 2016 11:06 am

A saint, a murderer, and a racist walk into a bar and say..

"it's great to be a florida gator"
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Babeinbucland » Wed May 04, 2016 11:15 am

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee- wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Babeinbucland » Thu Feb 02, 2017 1:00 am

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Re: Joke Thread

Postby DreadNaught » Thu May 04, 2017 2:54 pm

If Caitlyn Jenner were a superhero, would she be an ex-men or Trans-former?
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Nano » Thu May 04, 2017 3:56 pm

Obviously, she's not a transformer.

I mean, Transformers turn into vehicles and kills Decepticons. Caitlyn gets into vehicles and kills people.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Mountaineer Buc » Thu May 04, 2017 4:18 pm

Nano wrote:Obviously, she's not a transformer.

I mean, Transformers turn into vehicles and kills Decepticons. Caitlyn gets into vehicles and kills people.

Savage
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Zarniwoop » Thu May 04, 2017 4:50 pm

Ouch
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Kress » Thu May 04, 2017 6:27 pm

Zarniwoop wrote:Ouch
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Teitan » Thu May 04, 2017 6:35 pm

An oldie but a goodie.




A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!"

"That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that." The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor." "Okay, do you have coke and rum?"

The bartender serves him an apple.

"No way.. this tastes like coke!" "Turn it around" Says the bartender. "It tastes like rum!" Exclaimed the man.

A second man takes a seat next to the two, hearing the commotion. "Hey, mate, you have to try this! The bartender can serve you any flavor apple that you can think of!" Says the first man. "You can't expect me to believe that!" He replies. "Any flavor." the bartender says. "Okay, get me a gin and tonic."

He is handed an apple, and upon taking a bite his face lights up.

"It tastes like gin!" "Turn it around" Says the bartender. "It tastes like tonic! I don't believe it!" he exclaims.

A third man walks over, hearing the commotion. "What's the fuss about?" he asks. All three men who are already seated pipe up about the apples. "Any flavor, eh? Well... I doubt it. Get me one that tastes like *****!" The bartender, as in the previous cases, hands the man an apple. The man revolts, and nearly throws up. "This tastes like ****!" He shouts.

The bartender replies "Turn it around."
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Kress » Thu May 04, 2017 7:03 pm

Ha!
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Kress » Thu May 04, 2017 7:09 pm

Another oldy by goody:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk up to a bar, and each orders a beer.

After a minute, a fly lands in the Englishman's beer. In disgust, he proclaims: "Bartender, there is a fly in my beer. Get me a new one."

A few more minutes pass, and a fly lands in the Scotsman's beer. He grabs it, slaps it on the counter, smashes it with his fist, and then simply continues to drink his beer.

Finally, yet another fly lands in the Irishman's beer. He grabs it, and starts shaking it violently over the glass, screaming: "Spit it out, you bastard! Spit it out!"


(I can tell it because I'm Irish)
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Mountaineer Buc » Thu May 11, 2017 9:53 pm

If a blind woman ever tells you that you have a huge penis...

She's probably pulling your leg.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Teitan » Tue Jun 20, 2017 4:05 pm

This ones for you, Babe.

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Re: Joke Thread

Postby PrimeMinister » Tue Jun 20, 2017 6:18 pm

That's ****ing hilarious.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Teitan » Tue Jul 18, 2017 6:39 pm

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby NYBF » Tue Jul 18, 2017 8:04 pm

Oh damn
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