Joke Thread

[Pewterslimsme]

What do you call 100 cows materbating? Beef strokinoff

Steak and Potatoes?

Wait for it....

[Custer]

What Did the Steak Say to the Potatoes?

Nice to Meat You.

[Custer]

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

[Nano]

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

[Custer]

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

[Custer]

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

[Custer]

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

[Custer]

And so Jesus said to John, come forth and you will receive eternal life.

John came fifth and received a toaster.

[Kress]

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a bit of a slut, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He looked through the dildos, vibrators, and all of the other standard stuff. While browsing, he started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo ****.'" "So what's up with this voodoo ****?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo ****, the door." The voodoo **** rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo ****, get back in your box!" The voodoo **** stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo ****, my *****." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo ****. She got it out, and said "Voodoo ****, my *****!" The voodoo **** shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that there was this Voodoo ****. It was a magical dildo and it was stuck in her *****. That was the reason for her bad driving... There was a Voodoo **** in her ***** and it wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, scoffed at the notion, and then said: "Yeah, right.. Voodoo ****, my ass."

[Wooden Indian]

I hate that I read all that.

[Pewterslimsme]

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

*polite applause*

[Kress]

I hate that I read all that.

[Wenchy]

So bad, yet so good.

[Defense5599]

MEDICAL OFFICE BUILDING DIRECTORY:

Orthopedics- Dr. Carter Lidge

Pediatrics- Dr. Fairchild

Internal Medicine- Dr. Anna Stesha

General Dentistry- Dr. Crunchu

Urogoly- Dr. Leake

Proctology- Dr. Seymour Butts

Podiatry- Dr. Broadfoot

Gastrointestinology- Dr. Burpnphart

Psychiatrist- Dr. Kat Atonic

[Pewterslimsme]

MEDICAL OFFICE BUILDING DIRECTORY:

Orthopedics- Dr. Carter Lidge

Pediatrics- Dr. Fairchild

Internal Medicine- Dr. Anna Stesha

General Dentistry- Dr. Crunchu

Urogoly- Dr. Leake

Proctology- Dr. Seymour Butts

Podiatry- Dr. Broadfoot

Gastrointestinology- Dr. Burpnphart

Psychiatrist- Dr. Kat Atonic

It's times like these that I wish the Submit button moved.

[Custer]

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a bit of a slut, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He looked through the dildos, vibrators, and all of the other standard stuff. While browsing, he started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo ****.'" "So what's up with this voodoo ****?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo ****, the door." The voodoo **** rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo ****, get back in your box!" The voodoo **** stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo ****, my *****." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo ****. She got it out, and said "Voodoo ****, my *****!" The voodoo **** shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that there was this Voodoo ****. It was a magical dildo and it was stuck in her *****. That was the reason for her bad driving... There was a Voodoo **** in her ***** and it wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, scoffed at the notion, and then said: "Yeah, right.. Voodoo ****, my ass."

Good one!

[Babeinbucland]

I hope you have a better day than these guys did.
Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go thru the pearly gates in heaven.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just got out of the shower.
Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the bugger clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
I was so mad that I bashed his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but some awnings and bushes broke his fall.
On seeing he was still alive I found some super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a heart attack and died."
Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came running out on there and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell, hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
I tried to crawl out of the way but couldn't and was hit and killed."
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
I don't know about that" replies the man. "But picture this,I'm stark naked, hiding in this antique cedar chest......."

[Corsair]

An American international businessman arrives in Tokyo to close a deal with a Japanese firm that has been courted for several years. His first time in Japan, the man was unaware of the business customs of his counterparts but does his best to not throw a wrench in the discussions.

All in all he does a good job and the deal is finalized. As the ink dries, the Japanese businessman extend an invite to the American for a friendly round of golf the next day. Now that the deal is done, they can all relax and enjoy each others company. He agrees and retires to his room for the evening, thinking he would get to bed early.

A knock comes to his door sometime around midnight and when he opens the door to see a beautiful Japanese courtesan who speaks no English. Obviously a business custom from his Japanese counterparts he figures he should not be rude. It is quickly discovered that she is his for the night, with no limits.

They spend all night doing the nasty. Their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the American knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the American joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

[Babeinbucland]

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's your special day, not hers."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

[BucStick]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar.

The hooker says, "I'll do anything you want for $200, as long as you can say it in three words."

So, the guy puts $200 on the bar and says "Paint my house."

[BucStick]

So, a dyslexic guy walks into a bra . . .

[BucStick]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[BucStick]

A truckload of tortoises got hit by a trainload of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

[81mm Shake and Bake]

How are Winnie the Pooh and a girl from Alabama the same? They both suck their paw.

[Babeinbucland]

His name was Bubba, he was from Georgia ... And he needed a loan, So...He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow$5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the Georgia for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of 23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those Georgia boys! Just because they talk funny does not mean they're stupid !!!

[Babeinbucland]

A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes. The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, "I'm the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped. The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton, says to Bernie Sanders "Take the last parachute." Bernie says, "It's ok Hillary, there is a parachute for both of us. The world's smartest man just took my backpack."

[Pewterslimsme]

You mean the Polack

[Babeinbucland]

Amusing true or not

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

[Nano]

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?


She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

[NYBF]

Amusing true or not

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.