Joke Thread

General Discussion on any Off Topic subject
post

Joke Thread

Postby Babeinbucland » Tue Jan 26, 2016 8:38 pm

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?", he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I order a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Last edited by Babeinbucland on Tue Jan 26, 2016 9:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
Babeinbucland
 
Posts: 4072
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 9:24 pm
Has thanked: 113 times
Been thanked: 104 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Pewterslimsme » Tue Jan 26, 2016 9:15 pm

I said posse.
Image
User avatar
Pewterslimsme
 
Posts: 2618
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 1:44 pm
Has thanked: 395 times
Been thanked: 606 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby NYBF » Tue Jan 26, 2016 9:31 pm

Babeinbucland wrote:There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?", he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I order a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

You're a man? Now the vagina post really makes no sense.
Image
User avatar
NYBF
 
Posts: 5390
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 11:46 am
Has thanked: 184 times
Been thanked: 441 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Crocaneers » Tue Jan 26, 2016 10:10 pm

TWO Corinthians....
Image
User avatar
Crocaneers
 
Posts: 2324
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 12:44 am
Location: Gatorland (at least on the weekends )
Has thanked: 369 times
Been thanked: 211 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby mightyleemoon » Wed Jan 27, 2016 7:30 am

A man walks into a hotel with his family and says to the guy behind the front desk "I hope the porn is disabled."

The guy replies "It's just regular porn, you sick ****."
User avatar
mightyleemoon
 
Posts: 3460
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 2:35 pm
Has thanked: 15 times
Been thanked: 189 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Grim Reaper » Wed Jan 27, 2016 8:48 am

User avatar
Grim Reaper
 
Posts: 858
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 5:57 pm
Location: Karen Carpenter's Kitchen
Has thanked: 66 times
Been thanked: 79 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Betsy » Wed Jan 27, 2016 9:46 am



Grim,
You slay me.
Betsy
 
Posts: 143
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 2:54 pm
Location: Beervana
Has thanked: 19 times
Been thanked: 20 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby PanteraCanes » Wed Jan 27, 2016 10:20 am

Betsy wrote:


Grim,
You slay me.


Not yet
User avatar
PanteraCanes
 
Posts: 1018
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 79 times
Been thanked: 40 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby deltbucs » Wed Jan 27, 2016 11:12 am

Crocaneers wrote:TWO Corinthians....

My favorite bible verse? Ummmmm.....uhhhh....That's too personal for me to tell you. Yeah, yeah, that's it.
Image
deltbucs
 
Posts: 4799
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 2:28 pm
Has thanked: 212 times
Been thanked: 287 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Babeinbucland » Wed Jan 27, 2016 9:58 pm



Brilliant and hilarious
User avatar
Babeinbucland
 
Posts: 4072
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 9:24 pm
Has thanked: 113 times
Been thanked: 104 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby paco74 » Thu Jan 28, 2016 11:54 am

Two guys walk into a bar. "OUCH!"
Image
paco74
 
Posts: 705
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 1:41 pm
Has thanked: 112 times
Been thanked: 47 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Terp » Thu Jan 28, 2016 12:58 pm

Pewterslimsme wrote:I said posse.


Lol I remember that one.
Terp
 
Posts: 459
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 1:12 pm
Has thanked: 16 times
Been thanked: 32 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Corsair » Fri Jan 29, 2016 1:18 am

What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?


Spoiler:
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.



Spoiler:
Image
Image
User avatar
Corsair
 
Posts: 5420
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 12:25 am
Has thanked: 154 times
Been thanked: 283 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Pewterslimsme » Fri Jan 29, 2016 7:52 am

Terp wrote:
Pewterslimsme wrote:I said posse.


Lol I remember that one.



Every time there's a joke thread I post the punchline just so people have to Google the rest. One of the only jokes I've ever heard where you can do that and it's still funny.
Image
User avatar
Pewterslimsme
 
Posts: 2618
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 1:44 pm
Has thanked: 395 times
Been thanked: 606 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby IchabodCrane84 » Fri Feb 05, 2016 8:31 pm

I have a good pizza joke, but it's too cheesy.
Image
User avatar
IchabodCrane84
 
Posts: 1774
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 10:29 pm
Location: St. Petersburg, FL
Has thanked: 121 times
Been thanked: 319 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Custer » Sat Feb 06, 2016 4:26 am

This has to be the worst joke thread of all time.
User avatar
Custer
 
Posts: 254
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 8:36 am
Has thanked: 0 time
Been thanked: 2 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby IchabodCrane84 » Sat Feb 06, 2016 8:41 am

You can't top my joke.


Boom! Double punned!
Image
User avatar
IchabodCrane84
 
Posts: 1774
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 10:29 pm
Location: St. Petersburg, FL
Has thanked: 121 times
Been thanked: 319 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Pewterslimsme » Sat Feb 06, 2016 9:04 am

Some clean jokes for the kids....


When birds fly south for the winter, why do they fly in a "V" formation with one side longer than the other?

There are more birds on that side.


At the circus, why don't the lions eat the clowns?

They taste funny.


10 cats are in a boat, one jumps out how many are left?

Wrong, 0. They're copy cats.
Image
User avatar
Pewterslimsme
 
Posts: 2618
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 1:44 pm
Has thanked: 395 times
Been thanked: 606 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Kress » Sat Feb 06, 2016 11:05 am

Pewterslimsme wrote:Some clean jokes for the kids....



Knock knock

Who's there?

Smelmipe

.......
Image
User avatar
Kress
 
Posts: 4037
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 12:26 pm
Has thanked: 41 times
Been thanked: 218 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Fiasco » Sun Feb 07, 2016 1:10 pm

What do you call a black person flying a plane?
Fiasco
 
Posts: 416
Joined: Thu Jan 15, 2015 12:49 pm
Has thanked: 0 time
Been thanked: 5 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Teitan » Sun Feb 07, 2016 1:24 pm

A pilot.
User avatar
Teitan
 
Posts: 4107
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 1:07 pm
Has thanked: 212 times
Been thanked: 167 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Babeinbucland » Mon Feb 08, 2016 9:44 pm

Custer wrote:This has to be the worst joke thread of all time.

Well, you are one of the biggest jokes on the board so....
User avatar
Babeinbucland
 
Posts: 4072
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 9:24 pm
Has thanked: 113 times
Been thanked: 104 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Custer » Tue Feb 09, 2016 4:14 am

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
User avatar
Custer
 
Posts: 254
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 8:36 am
Has thanked: 0 time
Been thanked: 2 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Custer » Tue Feb 09, 2016 4:26 am

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?" The guide answered, "Land mines."
User avatar
Custer
 
Posts: 254
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 8:36 am
Has thanked: 0 time
Been thanked: 2 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Custer » Tue Feb 09, 2016 4:28 am

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to
die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on
this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,
"Here, iron this!".


How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.


Why did the woman cross the road? I don't know, but what is she doing out of the kitchen?


What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.


A man driving a car hits a woman. Whose fault is it? The man's. Why was he driving in the kitchen?


How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her
breasts. The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without
surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated,
Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"


One day three women went for a job interview. The man interviewing them posed all three the same
question. What would you do if you found an extra $100 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have
received? The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.” When he
asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.” When he asked the third one, she was more
honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.” Which one of the three women got
the job? The one with the biggest tits.


Q: Why are women's feet so small?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink while washing dishes.


Three women were trapped on an island. They needed to get across the water to the mainland. They came
across a genie who said, "I will grant you ladies three wishes." The first woman said, "Turn me into a
fish" and she swam across the water to the other island. The second woman said, "Give me a boat" and she
rowed to the other side. The third woman said, "Turn me into a man" and she walked across the bridge.


How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I don't know, it has never happened.


A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees,
so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10
minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
User avatar
Custer
 
Posts: 254
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 8:36 am
Has thanked: 0 time
Been thanked: 2 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Custer » Tue Feb 09, 2016 4:46 am

Ok, I saved your thread. You are welcome.
User avatar
Custer
 
Posts: 254
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 8:36 am
Has thanked: 0 time
Been thanked: 2 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Heisenberg » Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:30 am

Java
User avatar
Heisenberg
 
Posts: 3255
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 12:13 pm
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 44 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Custer » Thu Feb 11, 2016 7:58 pm

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".
to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we had sex all day"
"Did you get a blow job?"
"Naw, I couldn't find her head"
User avatar
Custer
 
Posts: 254
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 8:36 am
Has thanked: 0 time
Been thanked: 2 times

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Defense5599 » Thu Feb 11, 2016 10:10 pm

What do you call someone who is really good at putting worms on fishing hooks?

A Master Baiter?
TAMPAAAAAAAAAA!!!! BAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!
User avatar
Defense5599
 
Posts: 121
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2015 3:06 pm
Location: St. Petersburg, FL
Has thanked: 15 times
Been thanked: 0 time

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Custer » Fri Feb 12, 2016 2:18 am

What do you call 100 cows materbating? Beef strokinoff
User avatar
Custer
 
Posts: 254
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 8:36 am
Has thanked: 0 time
Been thanked: 2 times

Next

post

Return to Off Topic

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Deja Entendu and 12 guests